My Home Video Diary
by FicChick and Quillmagic
Summary: Ron's started a video diary. Then he realises he really shouldn't have written ‘MY PRIVATE DIARY VIDEO DO NOT TOUCH OR YOU WILL FIND OUT REALLY EMBARRASING THINGS!’ on the box. Now in new easy-to-read formatting! Chapter 8 has arrived.
1. Diaries, Daredevils and Disasters

_Title: I know it says something about a video diary, but it's got more storylines than a very short court case and is a bit mad. So it really has no title. Maybe later…_

_Genre: Humour, mild romance, a small amount of parody. Just a little bit of everything. Bake at 220oC and serve immediately._

_Author: FicChick and Quillmagic. She wants me to say "TOTALLY RANDOM!" (woohoo). Thanks for that, Aish. Typed and edited by FicChick._

_Reviews: Yes please, no flames, constructive criticism and madness acceptable._

_Author's note: This story goes on a bit. It's taken us the best part of a year to write 16 pages. And it really stinks. Just kidding. It's just, totally random. And there is more to come, but I'm under pressure from fans that shall remain nameless (aye rite, Grace, Carly and Aoife), to post this. Also, it was written (or started, anyway) before the 5th book came out. And, if you see A/N it means that in the original version, the author of that particular section put in an author's note. If you see E/N (Editor's Note) it means that I (FicChick) have put in something that wasn't originally there. I don't think that makes much sense, but hey, does anything?_

_Disclaimer: Shakespeare owns Romeo and Juliet, and JK Rowling owns the gang and Hogwarts and all them peoples that we don't. No disrespect intended, JK. Or Warner Bros. Don't wanna get on the wrong side of them, do we now.…._

_Thank you. Now read this story._

**Chapter 1: Diaries, Daredevils and Disasters**

Ron's POV

'K well, hi video camera. This is sooo unlike Hermione, when she found out my secret she pointed and laughed for hours, I mean hours. Okay there was a split second when I thought she was going to stop but she didn't. So let me update you. (Takes a deep breath and fixes the camera)

Right. It all started when a month ago, when I started 5th year, I said, Hey it's a new year, still Harry's friend, bet there'll be more adventures. So I started to write a diary. Then Harry saw me writing in it one night and he said "Hey don't write in a diary are you NUTS?" I said ok yeah I am kind of and asked why. He said "Remember second year? Riddle's DIARY!" So we sat there a bit, just in a daydream of what happened. Then I told him how I _really_ wanted to keep account, so Harry said, "Why not keep a home video thing?" So Harry explained about Muggle video cameras.

So I got one. Each night I talked to it. One day I go say to my camera that "I am addicted to Tweenies chocolate bars". You know, those muggle sweets. Next day what do you know, I go annoy Mione about being a know-it-all, so she went and was probably looking for dirt on me. So she goes into MY trunk, and takes MY home video tape. I _knew_ I shouldn't have labelled it 'MY PRIVATE DIARY VIDEO DO NOT TOUCH OR YOU WILL FIND OUT REALLY EMBARRASING THINGS!' (Ron starts scribbling on his hand – Do not go drawing attention to things you shouldn't) Sorry about that, note to self.

Well anyway. She (gulp) found out about the Tweenies thing. She laughed for hours, I tell you! I bet she will tell _everyone_ tomorrow. I hate her (eyes light up). Wait a minute.…. I shouldn't just hate Mione. It was Harry's fault; he made me do a home VIDEO diary! If it had been on paper I could have locked it! Curse you, Harry Potter. My life is over. Help.

(Turns off camera)

Hermione's POV

(Switches on camera. Bursts out laughing. Turns camera off, and calms down. Turns camera on again, angles it on bed)

So. Hi. This is my video diary. So I'm meant to tell you everything. So I will.

Today I found Ron's video diary. So I shouldn't have laughed. But he likes _Tweenies_ chocolate bars? Maybe he's trying to chat up the camera or something. But that is just too far. I mean – Tweenies? (Bursts out laughing again, camera falls off bed.) Oops. (Picks up camera) I know it was stupid, because I wouldn't like it if he watched mine, but he like _so_ should not have written 'Embarrassing things' on the cover.

So. Down to the nitty-gritty. Only Harry knows about this diary thing, unless he told Ron. And Ron gave me the idea (giggles). He mentioned me. A lot. (flicks hair like model in shampoo advert). B.….but he called me a.….a.….knowitall. (Bursts into tears). I mean, just cause he.….he.….is.….er.….Ron.….and.….I'm clever – So? _I'll _get more OWLs than him. HA! Who'll be laughing then? Probably Crookshanks.

Hmm…so, today. Well I had transfigurationpotionsarithmancyherbologyhistory-ofmagicandcareofmagicalcreatures (gasps for air). Hagrid had a manticore in class. A MANTICORE! It was the scariest thing I have ever seen! And, I mean, you can't kill it, or stop it attacking you. And I am so _never_ going to run away from a _manticore_. Only interesting thing it did was bite off Draco's leg. Hagrid will never get out of it this time. Ha ha, only kidding. We did nifflers. Bo-ring

So nothing _really _interesting happened today. Oh yeah, we learned about cross-object transfiguration. Watch. (Transfigures her quilt) DAMN! Ohmygoshohmygosh OH MY GOSH! It's a.….it's a.….um.….(runs for book) It's a Quintaped! Aaah! (reads page ever so fast) Ok.….you're – gonnakillme. (Scratches head). Ack! What is…(pulls wire out of hair).….this? It's a microphone! RON! YOU ------ Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (drops camera on floor)

Ron's POV

(Just been talking to camera) Well then can you believe what Lavender said to Parvati to tell Harry to tell me.….(Hermione – "RON! YOU – Aaaaaaaaaaaa" etc etc) Hmm. Sounds like Mione. Well ha ha serves her right. Wait a minute; this could be one of those exciting parts of my year! Let's go and see, shall we? (picks up camera and films himself going to the girls' dorm.)

(Knocks on door) Mione what the hell are you doing? (Hermione – Nope not yet.…. Aaah!) Come with me, camera, as we enter the _girls'_ dorm. (Kicks open door and puts camera on the table to film this important event.) So, Mione, what's up? (Hermione is shivering in a corner.) I bet she got an A- in potions not an A+ ha ha! I knew it! In yo face, Mione! (Hermione-"Aww I've done it wrong! Damn my rotten luck! All on camera!") So Hermione has just said it has all been caught on camera! Ha ha ha! And now look at her shivering in her corner ahahahahahahaha! Shove that up your ass, Mione! Mwhahahaha! (Hermione gives him an insane look) Ahem. I mean all is well and fine. (picks up camera and begins to film the girls' dorm) This is Mione, and this is……….(the Quintaped jumps from chandelier on to Ron's head, covering the camera.….)

No one's POV

Harry, who was happily sitting in his dorm, pondering over whether Cho would go out with him, suddenly heard another ear splitting scream. Harry quickly jumped to his feet and tied his bed sheet around his neck like a cape, puffed out his chest, put his hands on his hips, and stood posing for a while. Then he realised he should go save whoever screamed. He jumped on his broom and flew through the window. For some reason he was having problems with controlling his broom and zigzagged around until he found what all the noise was about. Hermione saw him, stopped screaming, and looked dreamily up at Harry, who was flying into the wall repeatedly. 'Ah, he is so graceful,' she said with her hands on her heart.

'Eh what?' came the muffled voice of Ron from under the giant Quintaped.

'Oh shut up Ron,' Hermione snapped, her eyes fixed on the "graceful" Harry.

Suddenly Harry caught the back of Hermione's robes with the broom, and zoomed out the window. 'Hey, Ron's got a big hairy thing on his face,' he thought out loud. 'Oh my god, my friend is hanging from my broom by her robes!' Harry then completely lost control and fell from the broom. He hit the ground, 50 feet below, with a thump. He looked completely paralysed as he grinned sheepishly at the sky.

'Aaaaaah!' Hermione screamed. 'Broom, put me down!' The broom gently lowered Hermione to the ground and zoomed back to the Gryffindor Broom store. 'Oh my god, oh my god, not Harry, not Harry, ok Hermione, deep breaths, deep breaths…OH MY GOD!' she yelled finally, sinking to her knees on the ground next to Harry, her arms outstretched and her face looking up to the sky. 'WHY HARRY?'

_Meanwhile in Dumbledore's Office..._

'Drat it, where is that elf? Dobby was supposed to bring me my tea an hour ago.' He put his hands in his pockets and continued to pace round in circles. 'Oooh! A knut!'

_Back to the gang..._

'Oh my god, oh my god!' Hermione was still hyperventilating.

'HARRY POTTER! You is come back to Hogwarts, sir, Dobby said bad things would happen if you is to return.' Dobby was running towards them, waving his finger in a supposedly patronising way. Then he realised…Harry Potter was hurt! 'Oh no, sir!' He slapped his forehead and scurried back to the castle.

_In Dumbledore's Office..._

'Where is my tea? I want some Tetley NOW!' He spun the Knut on the table for the 100th time.

_Back to the gang..._

Ron, with the Quintaped still stuck to his face, wrestled his way over to where he thought Harry and Hermione were. 'Nobody cares about me!' he sobbed.

'Shut up Ron,' Hermione said, and went back to her hyperventilating.

_In Dumbledore's Office_...

'I want tea! I want tea!' Dumbledore chanted, banging the Knut on the table with every word.

Dobby came running into the room. 'Dobby is so sorry he forgot Master Dumbledore's tea, he will iron his fingers for this,' he said, as Dumbledore took a long sip of his tea. 'But Harry Potter is HURT!'

Dumbledore spat out his tea, and in rushing out of the door, failed to notice he had tossed the cup out of the window.

(STOP! Let's see how everyone looked at it, shall we?)

Hermione's POV

Aaah my hero is so courageous, so selfless, so graceful so…aaaah! So.….can't.….breathe.….hanging.….from.….broom.….by.….robes.….but anything is nice when I'm with my darling Harry. (Harry says: Eh? Ron's got a big hairy thing on his face) Ok, so he's a little dim, but nobody's perfect (she sighs dreamily) Ohmygodohmygod my love has fallen off the broom! Deep breaths, deep breaths…Broom, put me down! Oh, my love, why you, my love? I know he wasn't very observant, god, but we could have fixed that. WHY HARRY?

Harry's POV

Ouch. That hurt. I think I must be too sore to move. Have I cracked my head? Hmmm.….pretty clouds.….Aaah.

Dumbledore's POV

(Dumbledore is sitting at his desk, twiddling his thumbs and humming) Where is that elf? He should have been here ages ago. Is it his day off? Oh, come on, I need my tea. (He walks over to the Pensieve, and swirls it around) Isn't it strange how all I seem to be thinking about is TEA! (Fawkes squawks loudly and bursts into flames) About time too. Aha! Hello Dobby! My tea? Thank you. (Dobby says: Dobby is sorry he forgot Master Dumbledore's tea but Harry Potter is HURT!) Oh drat it. No one told me Voldemort was here! Oh well, I better go and kill him. Oops! Would you look at that! My teacup has just collided with the window!

Harry's POV

Ow! That. Hurt. AAH AHH HOT LIQUID! PAAAAAIN! Oooh! Tea! (Grins demonically)

Hermione's POV

Oooh! Tea! From Heaven! Or Professor Trelawney! Oh, Harry's going to be just fine now, I can smell it in the air. Hope smells like tea.

Ron's POV

Stupid.….Hairy.….Beast.….with.….bad.….breath.….(Dobby comes running over and says: Haaaai YAH!) Oh dammit. Why'd he have to come? Oh! It's because…YOU CARE Dobby, you really do care about me! Thank you Dobby, I am forever indebted to you!

Dobby's POV

Take that and that and that and that and OOOOWWW! IT GOT DOBBY THE HAIRY STUPID THING! (Nurses large gash down arm, and keels over backwards.)

Ron's POV

Phewf. I can breathe. So. Back to the camera. This moron Harry's trying to impress the ladies. And again, failing miserably. Note to self: Never try to be noble. Does not pay. End note.

Dumbledore's POV

Oh drat this gammy leg. (Sees scene of destruction on lawn) Ack! I'm…I'm…TOO LATE!

Draco's POV

What the hell does that mudblood Granger think she's doing? She never looks at me like that.…. and what has that Weasley scum got? A camera! Aaah! My gel my gel my gel! Where's my gel? Oh yeah, in my dorm (He runs over and looks at his reflection in the lake, and the giant squid looks back at him) Oh no! I look awful! D'ya think Hermione goes for looks? Or…impress the camera… Too many choices!

Colin Creevy's POV

Look over here, Harry! Say cheese! Come on, Harry, you can't call that a smile…

Draco's POV

Damn it! For once in my life the attention isn't on me! Hmm…Ah ha! A book! (Hits himself on the head with book and falls over backwards).

Harry's POV

Attention seeking prat. Unlike me. Oi! Where are you going! Come baaaack! (Everyone goes off to look at Draco)

Draco's POV

Stupid Mudblood, can't she clearly see I am the BEST. Oh, lah-di-dah, my exam paper is on the grass lawn. Like anyone cares. Well, I suppose if I can get so much attention by hitting a book off my head, then it's no wonder the whole school swarms around Potter. Yet they seem to have left him lying on the lawn.…. ahh! There's an idea. (he yells with no expression in voice) Ahh! Aaah! Help me pleeease!

Hermione's POV

Oh that must be jealous Malfoy (Harry shouts: Oh, you're smart, aren't you?) Oh, shut up, Harry, and yes I am so darn smart don't hate me because I'm wonderful.

_That night…_

No-one's POV

(Scene – Hermione, standing at dorm window, looking dreamily down on Harry, who has been left, paralysed, on the lawn. It's 12.30pm, maybe Harry and Hermione are half asleep.….)

'But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Hermione is the sun! Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious Malfoy!' Harry said.

'Lumos. Oh! Shakespeare. JKR's having a good day.' Hermione muttered. 'O, Harry, Harry! Wherefore art thou Harry? Deny thy father, and refuse thy name, or, if thou wilt not, be sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Granger. What's in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.'

'Too far, Mione. So are you just gonna leave me here?'

'Thou wilt remain, for I fear that movement may pain you… I mean, we'll get you in the morning.'

Hermione slammed the window shut.

_Next day..._

Harry's POV

So it's Monday morning, back to class for some of us. So here I am, countless broken bones, you know, you'd think they would be a little bit more caring. After all, I told Lucius Malfoy I'd always be around to save the day. Oh, there's my class.….must.….shout.….after.….them….. HELP! HELP ME! Finally, the know it all has found me, the idiot. Wait, she didn't know I was here, did she? Oh, wait, she did. So it all comes down to not caring, does it now. She is going down, man. Well, once someone comes and saves me.….(pouts).

Hermione's POV

Oh, how could I have left my love down there? Maybe it's because my true love is Draco and we will get married. Then one day Draco will leave me and I will be forced to divorce him. Then I will marry Harry (Sighs). Or, maybe it's because I was cold. But I guess it will remain one of life's great mysteries.

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_Thank you to all those who have reviewed already. Keep reading :-P_


	2. Potions, Personality Problems and Partie...

_E/N- This chapter contains one (or two) little sweary word(s). I hope you're not too disappointed in us…_

**Chapter 2: Potions, Personality Problems and Parties**

No one's POV

Hermione finally took Harry to the Hospital wing. She had missed the first class and now was going to Potions after leaving Harry. Hermione slipped in to class beside Ron, who was looking at her dreamily.

'Mr Weasley, you can make goo goo eyes at Miss Granger later. Miss Granger, come and sit beside Mr Malfoy. Now!' Snape spat. Hermione ran to sit down beside Draco.

Draco's POV (thinking)

Yippee! Wait – Did I just say….yippee! I'm losing my evil touch! Father's not going to be pleased!

Hermione's POV (saying)

Oh, look, it's Malfoy, that guy we all thought opened the Chamber of Secrets! Oh look, here's Harry! He's in a wheelchair, his head is bandaged and his arm is broken! (Draco says: Yes, yes, we can see…). Shut up, you are completely insignificant now that Harry is back.

Ron's POV

Damn it! You know I have to do something to make Mione notice me. Just this once. Ah ha! A potion! It could be dangerous, but what am I, stupid? I'll drink the potion anyway. (Gulps down bottle). Ooh! Minty fresh! I feel a little dizzy…um…WHO AM I?

Hermione's POV

Stupid idiot. I bet he's trying to get my attention. Well, swaying from side to side isn't going to work, is it? Coz I'm hard to get.

Draco's POV

Don't panic, don't panic (looking very shifty). All the Weasley's are stupid. Well, Ginny's kinda.….cute.….if you like that sort of thing. Do I look better than Harry?

Harry's POV

Hermione's not going to start singing muggle love songs again, is she!

Ron's POV

(Falls to ground) WHO AM I! (Faints)

Hermione's POV

Oh well. I better look like I care Ron's fainted, because everyone else does. Better not look too concerned though, or Harry might get the wrong idea. Ron cramps my style.

Ron's POV

(Jumps up and everyone moves out of the way) I am….Hermione, no I am Harry no I am Snape no I am Dumbledore no wait a minute…..YES! I AM HARRY POTTER! (Runs madly out of the classroom).

Everyone's POV

Insane stupid idiot.

Harry's POV

He isn't me! I AM! (Starts to roll the wheelchair out of the door) COME BACK HERE AND BRING MY IDENTITY WITH YOU!

Everyone's POV

Another stupid idiot.

_Later that evening…_

Hermione's POV (Talking to video camera)

Hiya cammie, let me update you. So, previously at Hogwarts the mad house, Ron drank a potion to make me notice him, and he lost his mind (literally). He now thinks he is Harry and the real hot hunky Harry is totally pissed. Oh yeah, and I could have sworn I heard Draco mutter "Yippee!" when I got moved next to him in potions. (Ron comes running into the room yelling "HA HA I'M HARRY POTTER!" He wiggles his bum at the camera saying "Shove that up your arse!") Ok….I told you he'd lost his mind…. (Ron runs out of the room saying "BEERS ON ME!") Ahem, beers on me, heh, well I think that explains a lot of what I was saying. Well bye, I'm off to catch the real Harry. He's soo much better looking (Turns off camera)

Ron's POV

Oh, I'm so cool, PARTY OVER HERE!

Harry's POV

Wait a minute… I'M so cool! The party is OVER HERE people, OVER HERE! (Eyebrow starts twitching from the stress) I need attention. Or beer. Beer it is then. (Drinks 2 cans of Muggle beer in quick succession) Ooh! That was good. So. Attention. (Empties ice bucket over self) I'M SO COOL! (teeth start chattering) I'M SO DAMN FREEZING!

Hermione's POV

(Pokes camera around door frame, watching scene in common room) Pathetic. The pair of them (Ron sings "Looooook at me, I don't know the words but I'M HARRY!") Harry is majorly drunk. Ron is just like that even without drink. Well, not like that. Normally he thinks he's Ron Weasley. But now he's Harry Potter. Two Harrys, vying for my heart. It's nice to be wanted.

Ron's POV

He thinks he's so big and clever and…Harry. But I'M Harry, and I'm really big and clever. Let's just hope Hermione thinks that too. (Hermione says "Stupid eejits! BOTH OF YOU!") Oh damn maybe she doesn't. So what would I do in a situation like this? I know! (Bursts into tears)

Hermione's POV

Oh no! I hurt his feelings! I'm so stupid! (Runs over to Ron and hugs him) I'm sorry Ron! I'm soo sorry! (Ron says "She loves me! She really does!") Oh god (pushes Ron away) I have to find the antidote to this potion!

Harry's POV

He.….she.….they.….she LOVES HIM! Noooo! But he's me! Or- am I him? Are we both me? Is he us? Are we them? Is us you? Or is he Snape? Is Snape Voldemort? Maybe we're both really the same person, who is neither of us. But who? Are we him? But, who is him? Is him me, or him? AAAAH! (faints from brain crash due to pronoun overload, and everyone runs over to gawp. He yawns and starts to snore).

Hermione's POV

Oh well. (Snape bursts into the common room and everyone goes quiet). Oh no. Here we go.

Snape's POV

Hmmmmm. So, you stupid children, thought you would have a disco without me, did you? (Ron says "Yup, because you're a geek") Thank you for that Ron. Well, I only have one thing to say. Do you have some Britney? (Everyone just stares). Oh, come on. I'll say it straight. Can I party? Du-uh. (the Gryffindors groan) If you don't let me, I'll take off 1000 points.…. (unanimous agreement that Snape can boogie on down). (Just then a Boggart comes in, but no-one knows it's a Boggart because…..)

Boggart's POV

I AM VOLDEMORT! FEAR ME! YOU ARE ALL SCARED OF ME! (Everyone screams, and Harry wakes up and says "except me") Yes but you're a freak, Potter. So. Can I party? (Harry says "wait! You're not Voldemort!") Why not? ("Because Voldemort told me the first time I met him that he would never party again because his girlfriend dumped him at one") Dammit, you smart arse. (The Boggart turns into an oval shaped blue furry thing with very short legs (the real form of the Boggart) and starts to 'jam').

Harry's POV

(Still lying on floor) Ok. Snape and a Boggart are dancing at a disco in the Gryffindor common room and I am lying on the floor. OI! A LITTLE HELP HERE, PEOPLE, I AM THE REAL HARRY POTTER!

Ron's POV

Yeah yeah. He's not the real Harry Potter but he does need help. Major men in white coats help. He thinks he's not scared of V-v-v-vol.….y.….you-know-who. Neither am I. 'Cause I'm Harry Potter. Hey, that Boggart's pretty cute. Oi! Boggy! How about a dance, hen? (E/N- We're Glaswegian and that's meant to say hen, not then)

Hermione's POV

(Goes and helps Harry up) Shame Ron doesn't realise it'll still turn into a.….

Ron's POV

…..SPIDER! ARGH! Wait a mo….. I'm Harry Potter! And I'm not scared of spiders. Am I? No. Oh well. I wonder if spiders can dance.….

Harry's POV

Thanks Mione. So, what do we do about that idiot? I hope the potion wears off after a while. But what if it doesn't? I couldn't live with my alter ego. But is he me? My head hurts. I'm going to bed.

Hermione's POV

It must be wearing off, because Ron thought he was still scared of spiders! I hope he's Ron soon. Harry is much cuter.

Snape's POV

I like the Boggart. It's soft. And fluffy. Like my teddy, Mr Squidgy. Oh, poor Mr Squidgy! He must be getting lonely in my cold, damp dungeon. I have to go and hug him!

Fred & George's POV

Ha! Slimeball git! He ate our Warm and Fluffy Angel Cake! Na na na na naaa naaaaa! He'll be feeling warm and fluffy for days now! Wonder what's wrong with Ron? Probably got some cursed toffee from Charlie.

Harry's POV

Damn that Ron. I'll show him no one can beat the HARRY POTTER! Let's think. Hmmmmmmmmmmm. (Sees his invisibility cloak and his mind drifts off to the one-eyed witch and Hogsmeade..…)

No-one's POV

Harry put on his invisibility cloak, and wildly ran to the statue, waving his arms around. Everyone stopped dancing to watch his floating arms thrashing about in the air. Harry stopped at the witch's hump, tapped it with his wand, slid down the hole and picked up his scooter that he kept hidden there for emergencies. He hopped on, and scootered down the tunnel, with the cloak sliding off him, leaving his ankles and hands showing. He sped past a cloaked figure sitting hunched up on the ground, did a double take, stopped, scootered backwards, and stood in front of the figure, who was now drawing stickmen in the dirt.

'Voldemort?' Harry whispered, pulling the cloak off him.

The figure looked at him. 'What do you want?'

'How are you, Voldie, old chum?'

Voldemort jumped to his feet and screamed in an uncharacteristically high-pitched voice, 'HARRY POTTER! I swear revenge! I WILL kill you, you stupid little boy. You're just a spotty teenager, but you probably have enough social problems to keep you busy without having to worry about being chased by some evil, nasty, grumpy and amazingly good looking wizard is after you. Oh well, where was I? Oh yes: THIS TIME I'LL KILL YOU HARRY POTTER AND NOW I HAVE A GOOD OLD FASHIONED BOW AND ARROW!"

Harry gulped. 'Uh yeah. Whatever. The thing is, I promise to let you get on with your evil ways if you come to the party in the Gryffindor common room and tell Ron he's not me.'

'What's in it for me?'

'Em, free pizza……'

'Do I get to stay for the party?'

'Eh, yeah, sure.' Harry said. 'But I doubt there will be one once you arrive,' he finished in an undertone.

_Tune in next time for…the entrance of Voldemort, an Elvis Costume, the return of the scooter, and a very redundant tea towel!_

_And see that little button down there somewhere? Press it, and send us a review. We don't bite. Promise. (Grinds teeth menacingly) Thanks to all who have reviewed so far. Keep reading!_


	3. Voldemort, Vanity and Va va voom!

_Please don't annoy us with things about the Elvis costume…..we're too young to know!_

**Chapter 3: Vanity, Voldemort and Va-va-vooom!**

No-one's POV

'Hey! How's it hangin'?' yelled Voldemort as he stepped into the room.

Everyone stopped partying and stared.

'So, let's get this party started! Uuuh-huh!'

Everyone ran away.

'What?' asked Voldemort innocently (if that's possible for a mass murderer…...) 'Was the Elvis costume too far?'

'I think so,' Harry said, averting his eyes from the big gold medallion hanging round Voldemort's neck.

Snape hadn't run with the others, and neither had the Boggart. One look at Voldemort, and crack it was a…..fluffy white kitten.

'Argh! Back, you mangy creature!' Voldemort shouted. Snape started to stroke said kitten, crooning and purring. Harry pulled him off it.

'Party's over, Snape, go home.'

Snape burst into tears. 'But…..but…...'

'Go. Home.' Harry repeated, in a dangerous tone. Snape turned round to leave, then thought better of it and fell to one knee.

'This is the end, Boggy, will you marry me?'

The Boggart turned into James Potter, suddenly realising that Snape needed a good fright.

'ARGH!' yelled Snape, and ran out of the portrait-hole.

'Hey dad,' Harry said.

But the Boggart turned into a Dementor.

'Expecto…..riddikulus!' Harry said, and the dementor's cloak fell off and it ran off its hands between its legs. Harry laughed and the Boggart disappeared with a crack.

Voldemort looked disappointed. 'Anyway, I'll go, erm.…. thanks for everything.'

He left, leaving Harry feeling entirely depressed.

Depressed?

'Why should I feel depressed?' Harry thought. 'I can twist this story so much it'll be the talking point of the century!'

He ran off to his dorm, waving his arms around and yelling 'I FOUGHT OFF VOLDEMORT!'

_Next day at breakfast…_

'Prat.'

'Will he ever shut up?'

'Does he really think we believe him?'

Harry was standing on top of the Gryffindor dining table, on top of a plate that had been full of toast. He was gleefully broadcasting his fabricated tale of life-threatening duels and amazing defeat to anyone that cared to listen. That would be…..no one.

'So, he says, let's see what you're made of, Potter, so I…..wait for it…..I turned him into a bone! 'Cause I'm made of bone! A bone wearing an Elvis costume! You should have seen his face…..'

Ron had fallen asleep, his head in his porridge bowl. Hermione was making pictures with toast soldiers, as Harry had tipped all the toast onto her plate.

McGonagall had had enough. 'Mr Potter, would you kindly –'

But Dumbledore put his hand over her mouth. 'Wait, Minerva.'

He clapped his hands once, and as usual after meals, everything on the gold platters disappeared.

Harry landed with a thud on top of several house-elves in the Hogwarts kitchen.

_In the kitchen…_

'There we go! I'd say that this tea towel fits rather nicely,' Harry said as he admired his new outfit. He was wearing a large tea towel around his waist, and had a blown up pillowcase on his head to resemble a chef's hat. 'Come on, guys, Harry better start making dinner for all the Hogwarts students!'

All the house-elves were standing in little groups away from Harry, as they clearly thought he was off his rocker. A/N: well, wouldn't you if you saw Harry Potter standing in your kitchen wearing a tea towel? Eh…..no, wait a minute…..no! Stop the nasty images!

Dobby edged forward. 'Harry Potter, sir, Dobby thinks, we all thinks, that you is ill.'

'Why? Harry is fine! Now let's get to work,' Harry grinned. All the house-elves just stared. 'WORK!' Harry shouted, and all the house-elves hurried off to work.

_Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione are in the common room_

'I think Malfoy is up to something,' Hermione said suddenly. 'I saw him smile at me today.'

'Oh god really?' asked Ron sarcastically. 'He must have opened the chamber of no secrets to unleash the terrible monster that Harry has already killed!' he finished dramatically, then started to bite his nails. 'Oh wait, that's stupid. We dealt with that problem already. Must be up to something else.' Hermione and Ron went into deep thought.

_Back in the kitchen…_

'Ok, orders up, we need a half fried dog in a basket of grandma's eggs,' Harry yelled. He seemed to be quite enjoying himself. All of the house-elves stopped and raised an eyebrow.

Harry's POV

All these elves look at me so strangely! But I'm one of them now! Anyway. (Speaking) Oh, what? What do you mean, you can't find any of grandma's eggs? Or a fried dog? How useless are you elves? (Thinking) But does that…..that not make me useless, too? Nooo! (Snatches bottle of butterbeer from Winky, and takes a swig, pretending it makes him drunk.)

_Back to the common room…_

'I wonder if we should go and get Harry? He's been down in the kitchen for three days now, I don't think he knows that the pear on the door has disappeared and no one can get in,' Hermione said..

'It's not like he'll starve or anything,' Ron reasoned.

'I know, but he'll be lonely!'

Ron rolled his eyes.

_A while later…_

'I've got it!' Hermione screeched.

'What now?'

'Let's go and film Harry in the kitchen! We can use it as campaign footage for SPEW!'

'Enough with the spew. It's a good idea though.'

'You know, muggles have this thing called Fly on the Wall documentaries, it's like a camera following people, but it doesn't get in the way and just films them doing everything like they would if it wasn't there.'

'Cool! Let's do that – bagsie I'm filming!'

'Yes, bagsie you do…..' Hermione said mysteriously.

_One minute and a large bang later…_

'Great! That went well!' Hermione said, rubbing her hands together happily.

Ron buzzed.

'Come on then. We need to find the kitchen window. And don't look at me like that…..'

Ron rubbed a leg over his eye, and flew off the table, miniature camcorder between his middle feet.

Harry's POV (What Ron is seeing in the camera)

No! No – you can't do this! Not – you – can't…..(bursts into tears) These stupid house-elves! Hey – maybe Hermione's right about the house-elves. But…..but a strike? You CAN'T GO ON STRIKE! (The house-elves wave various items of clothing on sticks and look menacing.)

Hermione's POV (looking in the window)

Must – resist – urge – to – stand – up – for – house-elves…..

Ron's POV

Buzz. (in high-pitched squeaky fly like voice) Hermione –buzz- turn me back –buzz- (Hermione laughs) I mean it –buzz- I am your sidekick! (Hermione says 'Yes and that is all you'll ever be!') You are evil you –buzz- know that? (Hermione- 'Yes and I'm lovin' it lovin' it lovin' it, I'm lovin' it like that…..')

Hermione's POV

What is he saying? That I am not allowed to get down with my bad jiggy self?

Harry's POV

Hyperventilating – only – first – week – of – job – need help – need – butterbeer…..

Hermione's POV

(Whispering through gritted teeth) Damn that strategically placed tea-towel…..

Ron's POV

Hermione! –Buzz- Such a dirty mind! (Hermione says – 'How did you hear?') Funny how such a –buzz- little fly has such big ears…..

Hermione's POV

No Ron, that's just you that have big ears. But then again Ron, you are dimmer when you are human (Ron says 'Thank you,' then looks confused.) I'll turn you back.

Ron's POV (now human, looking through the window next to Hermione)

Oooh (sings) 5 currant buns on the big round table, along comes Dobby with a knife today, cuts one up and takes it away…..(Ron looks longingly at the buns on the table) 4 currant buns….. (Hermione says 'What are you…..?' and gives him a 'aren't you pathetic' look.)

Harry's POV

Having nervous breakdown! (Falls to ground) No, hang on, I want a currant bun before I collapse….. (eats bun and falls back down to ground.)

Ron's POV

(In David Attenborough voice) Watch, as the Harry gets insecure, and cries for attention, though food is no match for the said attention. (Hermione whispers "You want attention baby, STRIP! Huh? It's not what it sounds like, Ron) Suuuure Mione, I believe you…..

Harry's POV

This is not working?

Hermione's POV

Take off the tea towel…..it will work…..

Harry's POV

Is that my conscience speaking?

Hermione's POV

Yes. It is. Take it off. You know you want to.

Ron's POV

Oh no, I can't see this! I'm off….. (runs off to dorm).

Harry's POV

Hello, Conscience….. (Hermione says 'Oh no, I dropped my quill' and starts scrabbling around on the ground to look for it) I shall do anything for attention! (whips off tea towel and pillowcase, runs around the kitchen then out the door, to jump on to his strategically placed scooter.)

Hermione's POV

Ah ha! There it is….. Where's Harry? His tea towel is on the floor…..oh my gosh, he did strip….. I have to find him!

Harry's POV

Woohoo! I'm free from that kitchen! I'm naked! Aaaand….. I'M INVISIBLE! A/N He's not, he just thinks he is….. Invisible, that is.

(now ensues a tastefully shot scene involving Harry scootering down the corridors in slow motion – the following version of Invisible by D-Side is playing in the background (words by Quillmagic))

What are you doing tonight/

I can't keep an eye after all/

Am I really alone/

I wish I could tell/

If you are pranking me/

(so tell me)

What would it take to make you see/

Muchifing is bad you guys/ (E/N Aisha what the hell is this meant to say?)

After all you tell a thousand lies…..

I am invisible/

I can just wander and prepare Snape's doom/

I am invisible/

I'll make Filch insane tonight

If I wasn't pranking you/

I would just tell you where I stand/

But I am the worst man/

If I was invisible

I see her face in a crowd/

I call out her name/

She can't see me around

She freaks and tells headless nick/

Say's I'm a ghost/

I'm dead to the ground

Then she sees me soon/

Flees out the room/

Too scared you see/

Thought I was dead/

She told head ned !

But we are invisible/

Dumbledore said to use it well…..

(E/N I hope you see, by now, why FicChick does the beta and type up for this :-P)

Hermione's POV

Oh, where's he going….. argh! No, I mean, um, yay….. no! it's yuk, Hermione, the word is YUK! Really? No. It's yum….. oh gosh did I say yum! It's NOOOOO! Anyway I'll follow him to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid…..

Snape's POV

(singing) I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty, and witty, and BRIIIIGHT! (The window he is skipping past smashes) Oh, there's that nice Potter boy who invited me to his party. Hey! Stop! I want to say thank you! (Snape runs out in front of the scooter…..)

Hermione's POV

Oh, that singing is terrible! That singing is Snape! How does he do that not-moving-your-mouth thing anyway? (She sees Snape run in front of the scooter) NOOOOO! Hey….. hold on, did I say no? I meant yay. (A little devil and angel appear on each of her shoulders. The devil says 'Go on, he's given you detention. He's given you grief. He's put you through hell. Let him get squashed.' The angel says 'No, save him. He's human. You can't watch him die like that?) Hey! Stop! I need time to think. Impedimenta. That's better. (The angel and devil start chanting 'save him' 'kill him' 'save him' 'kill him' etc etc ad nauseum) SHUT UP! (They shut up) Ok. (the jinx wears off and they start moving) Ok. I'm going to….. (she runs and takes a flying leap at Snape, pushing him out of the way!)

Snape's POV

Mwah! Mwah! I love you, you kind, pretty little girl! You saved my life! I love you!

Hermione's POV

No no no, you don't, it's a spell, you won't love me when it wears off, you'll hate me, you, you….. sniff (She pouts).

(Snape gets offended and wanders off someplace else.)

_Thanks for reading! Tune in next time for….. a pile up, the amazing talent of Draco Malfoy, Dumbledore's flirting tips, Ron's depression, Harry's homophobia and much much more!_

_Please don't be like Harry and be review phobic, we really love hearing what you have to say!_


	4. Freedom, Fools and Funky Chickens

_Thanks to all our reviewers!_

_Disclaimer: The songs belong to Savage Garden, TaTu, D-Side, Delta Goodrem (get well soon!), Enrique Iglesias and whoever made the Wizard of Oz. I think I've scared you….._

**Chapter 4: Freedom, Fools and Funky Chickens **

Hermione's POV

Gosh! (Rubs head) Glad to see he's gone! (Looks up) Where is Harry? No! Or, do I mean yes, do I mean, yes, he's gone, or yes, I don't have to see him.…. ahem. Or do I really mean oh no he has gone? Or oh yes he has gone! Do I mean yes, or no? Do I mean yes, meaning no? (Hermione gets up, and starts looking for Harry).

Ron's POV

(Ron is sitting on his bed looking traumatised) Has Harry done it? Is Hermione interested in him? But why? I drank a potion for her, what about me? I love her! I have to stop Mione from seeing him in that state, god knows what she'll do to him! And Harry still thinks he is a house-elf! Maybe he thinks he is a free house-elf now? Oh no, you need clothes to be free….. (a little light bulb appears beside his head) That's IT! (Runs off, with a hat his mum knitted him, to go and find Harry).

Harry's POV

(Singing quietly) I am invisible, I can just scooter where I please, I am invisible, I'll be naked tonight, I can fix hearts, all I need to do is strip! We should all be free, I am invisible, I'm Harry the elf! (E/N- Send cheques to help Aisha's plea for a place in a mental hospital to…..)

Draco's POV

Mione! Where are you rushing off to? (Hermione says "Must – find – Harry") (Draco thinks: Noooo!) (Suddenly all goes dark in the hall and a spotlight goes over Draco, and backing music starts Truly Madly Deeply by Savage Garden) (Draco sings: ) I'll be your spell, I'll be your jinx, so evilly, my dear, I'll be so rich, and buy you everything that you need, I love you more with every breath truly madly deeply do….oh yeah. I wanna sing for you on Pop Idol, I wanna fly with you on my broom, I wanna be with you for ever, until my dad finds out then it's my tomb (swaying like a backing singer) (E/N-Again, the Editor must plea for Aisha's sanity)

Ron's POV

(Ron is walking quickly through the corridors, singing 'Not gonna get us' by Tatu (E/N HELP AISHA!)) (Ron sings: ) Starting from now, I make a promise, Hermione will not see him like this, I will do whatever it takes now. I'll raise all the alarms (starts headbanging) NOTHING CAN STOP ME, NOT NOW I LOVE HER, SHE'S NOT GONNA SEE HIM, SHE'S NOT GONNA SE HIIIIIIIM!

Hermione's POV

(Stops in tracks and looks confused) Why do I have a feeling that my life is turning into a musical? (shrugs shoulders) Must just be me. (Keeps walking).

Draco's POV

(Still singing in the spotlight) I'll strip bare if that's what it takes for you, As long as you swear that you won't tell too, I'll tell you when I saw what you had for Harry I started singing…..for you to hear me…..for you to love me…..and care for me too. (A crowd of students and teachers has gathered round).

Hermione's POV

So where is my lovely Harry? Such a shame hat he thinks he is an elf. It changes him completely! And it takes away almost all the reasons for me to love him (sighs dreamily). I have to get him out of his elfish ways! Plus I have to see him. I need to (coughs) see my friend. (She quickly walks off down yet another corridor).

Malfoy's POV

(Still singing…..) Oh baby you don't have to close your eyes, I am super handsome oooh oooh oooh hoohoo yeah oooh hooo hooo yeah oohoo hoo yeah ooh yeah yeah E/N that's what she wrote, guys, she needs to be put in the loony bin, trust me (The music finishes and everyone claps, and Draco takes a bow. McGonagall flicks a tear out of her eye. "That…..that was beautiful Mr Malfoy." Dumbledore scratches his head. "I don't know, I still think that doing the funky chicken turns girls on." Everyone gives him a strange look, but not McGonagall, who has a look of total understanding cross her features. Snape is standing in a puddle of tears.)

Hermione's POV

Where can my Harry be? BAM (Harry scootered right into Hermione, and fell on top of her, leaving her in utter shock. Then she realises just who is lying on top of her, and hugs him, because she finally found him.) Oh, thank you god.

Harry's POV

Why is this human lying on top of Harry? She seems be pleased…...

Ron's POV

(singing) Not gonna see him! (twirls the hat round in his hands) Hey, I have a better song. (starts to skip (A/N being a dancer I have to correct that and say it's step ballchange, but since I wrote it, well, yeah) down the corridor) Oh look, there's a load of teachers crying. Maybe Malfoy did something stupid like sing, and they're all crying with laughter. (sings) We're off to find Hermione, and stop her from snogging Harry. If ever and awful couple there was it's them because because because because becaaaaau--- (He skips around the corner where Harry and Mione are and skids to a halt) OH MY GOD!

Hermione's POV

Oops.

Ron's POV

She's – not – just – snogging – Harry – oh – my – gosh – this – isn't – fair – must – get hat – on Harry – (He jumps on Harry from behind, shoves the hat on his head and winds up lying spread eagled over all of them). Ha HA! He's FREE!

Hermione's POV

Talk about pulling the wool over his eyes…...

_All the Professors and Malfoy come over to see what's going on…_

No-one's POV

McGonagall's mouth fell open, and she fainted. Snape…..well, Snape was just Snape. Well, a warm and fluffy Snape. Draco covered his eyes and ran off. Dumbledore laughed.

'Mr Potter,' Dumbledore said, humour in his voice. 'While a threesome may seem a, well, interesting prospect to you, I must ask you to refrain from experimenting in the corridors.

Snape began to shake with suppressed laughter.

'Harry is honoured, Professor Dumbledore, sir,' Harry said, standing up, 'that you address him as an equal. But Harry is a free elf now, sir!' Harry grinned.

Snape let out a guffaw, and everyone stared at him. 'Sorry,' he mumbled, and stuffed his fists in his mouth.

Dumbledore looked back to Harry, keeping eye contact :-P Hermione stepped out in front of Harry, took off his hat, and made him hold it over, well, ahem.

'Thank you, Miss Granger. So, Mr Potter, I must ask you to take your scooter away, and put some clothes on. Then I will send an owl to St Mungo's. God knows you've had that coming,' he finished in an undertone.

Harry pouted, got back on his scooter, and scootered sadly back to the Gryffindor Dorms. Hermione watched him until he went round the corner.

No one noticed Ron was gone.

Ron's POV

Hi video diary. Hermione wants HIM, not me. Why? I love her! I did so much for her! That's it. I have decided Harry must die. Well, not die. Just injure him enough to send him to the hospital wing for a year or two, so I can win Mione over. (Harry scooters into dorm) Aha! (Ron picks up Harry's broom and whacks him over the head with it) Finally, the stupid twit is unconscious. (Harry says "Oh, better get some clothes on.") Oh well, maybe not unconscious. Harry, are you still a house-elf? (Harry says, "House-elf?") Take that as a no then. (Turns off camera).

Harry's POV

Yuck! That Hermione, she was all over me! I guess I shouldn't have been lying on the floor anyway. And why was I naked?

Draco's POV

(Sings Lost without you) I'm lost without her, I keep trying to find a way but I want that Harry…..(E/N I don't get it either)

Hermione's POV

That was great! I got to cuddle him while he was…..stop it Mione, hehehe.

Draco, Colin Creevey and Ron's POV

I think I LOVE her…..

Colin's POV

Suddenly I have noticed that I am in love with Hermione Granger. (He turns round and looks at his wall, which is plastered with pictures of Hermione). No. I think I have known it for a LONG time (presses side of face to wall, and says in sicko mental breathless way as he strokes the pictures-) You can't be anyone else's, I love you. No-one understands you like I do.

Draco's POV

La la la la laaaaaaa I'll be a singer!

Dobby's POV

(In the kitchen, talking to Winky) Winky, Dobby thinks he loves you! (Winky says "Well Winky knows she doesn't live you!") Noooo! (Dobby grabs a knife and runs off to find Harry.)

Winky's POV

Treat them mean, keep them keen…..(gulp) more butterbeer!

Ron's POV

(Talking to himself) I wouldn't say I'm a weirdo or a bad friend. Not like I'm going to kill him, no. Just gonna damage him hehehe. I wonder what happened to You-Know-Who?

Dobby's POV

Harry Potter, sir? Dobby feels he must ask you a question. May Dobby please ask his question, please, Harry Potter sir?

Harry's POV

Yeah, whatever.

Dobby's POV

Thank you sir, Dobby is honoured, well…..ahem (his ears go red). Does…..does Harry Potter…..love Dobby, sir? No-body loves Dobb---

Fred & George's POV

(Doing some Quidditch practice) Over there Fred! (George points towards rapidly falling Bludger) What? That's not a Bludger, George, that's a…..(the thing hits the ground with a hollow thump) That's a…..Dobby?

Harry's POV

(Leaning out of window, having just kicked house-elf out of said aperture) TAKE THAT, YOU HOMOSEXUAL…..HOUSE-ELF, YOU! (There is a silence, like the world just stopped coz some poor house-elf came out the proverbial closet).

Hermione's POV

Oh, what a shame! How could anyone say that to a poor defenceless house-elf? Wait a minute…..that sounded like – HARRY?

Draco's POV

(By now a substantial crowd has gathered round the motionless House-elf lying outside the castle.) Worthless beast. What's it doing with a knife, anyway? (Nonchalantly) Next thing it'll be revealing the family secrets…..family secrets! NO! Dobby, I know you can't hear me, but you have to promise never to tell anyone about that time you caught me…..well (laughs nervously)…..yeah…..oh good, I feel a song coming on…..

Dobby's POV

I…..

See…..

Socks…..

Ron's POV

They're all being so noisy out there…..but no one cares to come and ask me if I want to join the party, do they? No one thinks about the, do they? I'm just unwanted.

Harry's POV

Scum. He deserved what he got. (Someone on the ground starts a chant of "Killer! Killer! Killer!")

Hermione's POV

(Goes tearing down the stairs to get outside) I hate it when my loyalties get torn like this. Do I side with my eternal love, who may be a killer, and no one will speak to me if I do, or do I side with the cute little house-elf that is defenceless in this merciless world? Oh, and everyone will love me if I go for the house-elf…..but Harry won't…..

Oh! Choices!

Dobby's POV

Get………………………………(the crowd gasps)

Hermione's POV

S.P.E.W. it is! (Harry comes down the stairs muttering with rage) Harry! How could you kick this poor defenceless house-elf out the window? This is not the Harry I fell in love with! (Crowd starts muttering in scandalised tones) As a friend, of course. (Crowd starts muttering in disbelieving tones) IT IS!

Harry's POV

(Thinking) Yeah, sure you don't love me, Hermione. (Hermione says "I DON'T!") Huh? How did she break into my thoughts? (Everyone looks at author) A/N- Hehe, wasn't me…..(Aisha whistles and looks up at the sky…..)

Hermione's POV

Harry, why? WHY? (Gets distracted by his "handsome" face and tries to resist) (E/N- AISHA!) Then again, those big strong muscles of yours….. (clings to his arm) (E/N- Aisha, _ratings_…..)

Ron's POV

(Comes running out of castle with frying pan) GET AWAY FROM HER! YAAAAH! (in slow motion with 'Chariots of Fire' playing in background, Ron leaps into the air and lands on Harry) bang bang bang bang! You bastard, you call yourself my friend? Ahhhahahahaha you little f (runs off like the insane twit that he is into the Forbidden Forest.)

Hermione's POV

Noooo! (kneels beside Harry and breaks down into tears) What has he done to you? (Harry says "Hit me repeatedly on the head with a frying pan?") Ye-es, but…..HARRY!

Dobby's POV

……………………..Winky……………

Draco's POV

(Slides smoothly into the scene) I think this calls for a song. Cue the music, Crabbe! (Starts singing) I can be your hero baby, I can kiss away the pain….. (Hermione says, "SHUT UP DRACO! MY Harry, yes MY Harry is DYING!" The crowd moans and leaves.)

_Reviews………..need………reviews………sustenance……(head droops and thunks onto keyboard)_

_E/N- I spend waaay too much time on the ASCEML……_


	5. Spies, Secrets and Scientists

_Thanks to all our reviewers!_

**Chapter 5: Spies, Secrets and Scientists**

Madame Pomfrey's POV

Finally, some ill people to fix! And a house-elf! I want to try that new medicine on it to see if it works, or if it will just kill it. (Rubs hands together excitedly.)

(Harry and Dobby wake up)

"Ahh! Homosexual house-elf!"

"Ahh! Harry Potter sir!"

"Ahh! Homosexual house-elf!" (Etc. etc. ad nauseum)

Ron's POV

(in the Forbidden Forest) I will get my precious, he can't have my precious, my precious Mione. Muhahahaha ha ha cough cough I think I swallowed a fly!

Hermione's POV

(In her dorm) My Harry is in hospital, my Harry is in hospital, my Harry is in hospital! (Parvati says "Hermione, we get the picture, just go to sleep!") NO! (Thinking) Draco thinks he is the next pop idol, and Dumbledore dances the funky chicken for McGonagall, and he thinks it's (forgets she is thinking and shouts) SEXY? (the girls in the dorm say 'Shhhhh!') Sorry. Oh well, I suspect this will get back to normal soon.

_Meanwhile in the hospital wing….._

"Ahh! Homosexual house-elf!"

"Ahh! Harry Potter sir!"

(Madame Pomfrey comes in to give them more sedative.)

_A long time later in the hospital wing….._

(Harry wakes up)

'Ahh! Homosexual…..Professor Dumbledore, sorry, didn't see you there, hehe. Is everything ok, sir?'

'I could ask you the same thing,' Dumbledore said. 'From what I've heard, you're having some problems with the ladies?'

'What!' Harry said, shocked.

'Well, I just came to tell you, ahem…..I've always found that dancing the funky chicken really turns them on…..'

Images of Professor Dumbledore dancing the funky chicken for Professor McGonagall floated through Harry's head and his mouth fell open. 'Really?' he asked, with utter sincerity.

Dumbledore smiled and nodded.

'Thanks, Professor!'

Hermione's POV

(Two days later) Hi camera. I feel I should update you. Ron has disappeared, no one's seen him since Friday. That's three days! Dobby is reportedly in a coma in the hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey denies all knowledge. Fishy, she is. Elves have rights too!

But this is the really strange thing. Harry has been following me around everywhere, singing the birdie song and dancing the funky chicken in circles around me. I think Pomfrey's addled his brains, (says in bitter tone) or Ron, with the frying pan. Whenever I'm not there, though, everyone says he's perfectly normal. I don't get it! I know boys are annoying when they're trying to display affection but this is too far…..hang on…..THAT'S IT! A/N-Think Miss Congeniality for the next bit….. HE LUUUURVES ME! HE WANTS TO SNOOOOOG ME! (Runs down stairs into common room, where Harry starts to dance and sing and Hermione keeps going "he luuurves me" etc.)

Ron's POV

(Still in the forbidden forest) Pain…..must…..feel…..pain…..argh! DOBBY! What the hell are you doing here? (Sees knife in Dobby's hand) Oh – you're having a tough time too, huh? Don't worry, we can cut it together. (Ron picks up knife and lets out a wolf howl.)

Hagrid's POV

Huh? Down, Fang. A dunno what it was, bu' we'll go an' fin' out, shall we, Fang? Good lad.

Hermione's POV

Harry do you really love me? Do you really want to marry me? Do you want to love and to hold me? In sickness and in health?

Harry's POV

No.

Hermione's POV

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO? You've been following me singing "here comes the bride"!

Harry's POV

Oh no, you see I have this walkman and it has that song on it. I was just singing along.

Hermione's POV

WHAT? I mean, yeah, _everyone_ has _that_ song on their walkman…..yeah…..I never liked you, anyway! (Bursts into tears and runs to dorm).

Ron's POV

What am I doing? I can't die! That would be giving up! I'M COMING, MIONE!

Dobby's POV

But Ron Weasley, sir, Dobby is so honoured to die with you, sir, Dobby is heartbroken too, Winky doesn't like Dobby, sir!

Ron's POV

You gotta buckle up, son, love is a bumpy ride. (E/N – Aisha, how is Ron gonna know that?)

Professor Trelawney's POV

(E/N- This whole sorry mess just got a whole lot sorrier and messier.)

(In her bedroom (E/N-Presumably, because Aisha never bothered to say)) I am fed up of Harry Potter coming back and not dying like I predicted. He is giving me a bad name. It's off to the lab. (Stands on "one" of the beds) Pull the lever, Draco! (Draco pulls the bedpost. Trelawney and Draco fall through the bed into bumper cars. (E/N- Aisha, why were they both on the same bed?) They dodge the other empty bumper cars till they get to the other side of the room. They press a button and go through a door and fall into rollercoaster seats. (E/N- Help! My brain hurts!)

Draco's POV

Trelawney, Trelawney put your hands in the air! (Trelawney put on a pair of those goggles you see in movies like the Dambusters)

(At the end of the rollercoaster they fall onto a trampoline. Both grab white coats and run into a very modern lab)

_Meanwhile….._

Hagrid's POV

Dobby! Give me my butter knife back! Oi! Don't you run away from me!

Dobby's POV

(Hagrid is chasing Dobby) Hagrid doesn't understand Dobby! Leave Dobby alone! He only has socks! No Winky! No LOVE!

Hagrid's POV

It's ok, Dobby, I've got no love too. (stops in his tracks) I've got no love! Not even Olympe! (Dobby stops too)

Dobby's POV

Does Hagrid sir want to talk about it? (He sits down on a log and pats the space next to him.)

_Meanwhile….. _

Ron's POV

(Wearing black polo-neck top and black trousers, throwing a rope and grappling hook to the top of the Gryffindor Girls Dorm tower, and starts to climb wall.) I will get you my lovely!

_Meanwhile….. _

Harry's POV

I love spring cleaning, don't you? (Everyone left in the common room leaves.)

Hermione's POV

Was that a grappling hook! (Runs over to window, opens it, sticks her head out and Ron is looking straight at her.) OH MY GOD! IT'S SIMON COWELL! (A/N Well you did say black top and trousers, Aisha…..)

Harry's POV

(Sniffs) Aah…..mountain fresh. Wait a minute! I smell trouble!

Meanwhile in Trelawney's lab…..

"Fly wings?"

"Check."

"Bogworms?"

"Check."

"Evilroot?"

"Check."

"Scalpel?"

"Ch…..what?"

"Oh, sorry, got carried away. Anyway, let's get started.

Harry's POV

(Ties a bedsheet round neck (E/N: Déjà vu!) and runs off, Marauder's Map in his hand) Ah ha! Draco and Trelawney….. What the hell are they doing in Trelawney's bedroom! (E/N: Wouldn't we all like to know...)

_Back at the lab….._

Draco's POV

How about we sing a little chant, huh? (Starts chanting, like the army chant, if you get what we mean…..)

We are the evil gang! We like to dance and shag around E/N: that's what she wrote folks. (Trelawney says "Huh?") Come on Prof, loosen up! (Trelawney shrugs and starts chanting.)

Ron's POV

I'll get you my pretty come to me…… Em, I mean, I'm coming to yooou.

Hermione's POV

How can he NOT love me? I'm so smart and cool (well, erm, yeah) I've read so many books….. (The angels come back on her shoulders) (Evil angel says " Yes, but have you read any love books? In fact, have you read one book that is of any relevance to your life at all?) Who said that? (She looks to either side.) Not again!

Evil Angel/Devil's POV

You don't wanna listen to that sissy angel with the halo, look at her! She's so prim. You wanna listen to me! Look what I can do! (Does backflip.)

Hermione's POV

Eh…..I don't really see what that has to do with…...

Good Angel's POV

No, no, wait a minute, she's got a point there (Good angel disappears).

Hermione's POV

Okay, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Erm, so, what do I do? (Evil angel says "Get a dirty boook!") Right. (Starts skipping towards library).

Harry's POV

(Listening through door, hears Trelawney and Draco chanting in a Sean Paul accent "I don't really care what people say, I'm gonna do what I like doin, still gotta stick to ma girls like glue…..) Freaky.

Ron's POV

Just….. a little….. further (Dobby runs out of nowhere with his knife and cuts the rope Ron is hanging off, then runs away waving his arms laughing manically.) BOOF (Ron muttering to himself darkly) Bloody little house-elf took me all night to climb up the bloody wall and what do I get? Bloody thorns stuck in my arse, while geeky boy just needs to walk down the corridor and boom the girls are everywhere. Him and me see this school differently, him babe mania and me well, eh, I dunno…..

Harry's POV

(Skids to a halt in front of broom cupboard, takes out a broom and lies down on top of it, so it looks like he is flying like Superman. He sticks one arm out in front of him and puts the other one on his hip. He sings, to the tune of Star Wars) Da-da-da daa daa da-da-da daaaaah dum da-da-da daaaah dum diddle dee dum! Why am I singing Star Wars? They are my box office rivals! Anyways. I'm coming to save the planet!

_Meanwhile in Trelawney's Lab…_

"Are you sure no-one's going to find us, Prof?"

"Positive. Who'd think to look in my bedroom?"

"Well, I don't think anyone would get further than the doorway. Your incense really does smell."

"That's the point, dear Draco, that is the point. Pass me those fly wings….."

BAM

Harry and his broom clattered off the trampoline and rolled along the ground to Draco's ankles. Draco dropped the fly wings and the bottle smashed next to Harry's back.

"YOU!" Harry and Draco exclaimed simultaneously.

"Didn't you see this coming?" Draco raged at Trelawney.

"The inner eye sees past the mundane," she said calmly.

"Mundane? MUNDANE? He's not MUNdane, he's bloody well INsane! A/N: This is like soooo Arthur Dent, lol

Trelawney looked from one to the other.

"I predict great humiliation for you," she said to Harry. "I suggest keeping a low profile until you die next week." She sighed heavily.

"Low profile?" said Draco. "You're talking to Harry Potter! How in hell is he going to keep a low profile!"

Trelawney shrugged.

"So what exactly are you doing?" Harry asked.

"Erm, well, um….." Draco said, exchanging a nervous glance with Trelawney.

"Yes. We're developing, an, um, potion, that will…..erm, kill, the Dark Lord when he erm….. invades Hogwarts." Trelawney said, shifting her weight and trying to look convincing.

Harry looked to Draco. Draco nodded in agreement.

"Oh well, then, that's all right, I'll just go then." Harry picked up his broom and flew out of the window, wondering why he hadn't noticed it before.

"Great thinking, Prof," Draco said, high-fiving her.

"The inner eye is always prepared," she said, and winked.

"You….. weren't prepared for that, though," Draco said, bemused.

"Oh well….. fooey you ruining my smart answer. Why can't you be a good kid and swallow my words for once?" She said, stamping her foot like a stubborn child.

"Because if we did then we'd all think that we had the fake inner eye which is also known as ESP but no-one has that anyway," Draco muttered.

_If you have been affected by any of the issues in this chapter, please call 1-800-SAVE-ME or 1-800-IM-THICK for instant advice on the matter. Calls charged at most extortionate rate possible and may last several hours. Subject to availability and tea-breaks._


	6. Bozos, Blunders and Baxi Boilers

_Did you actually phone those numbers? HA! Erm, sorry. Keep reading! Sure, we love you! And, Merry Christmas! Soonish…. _

_Disclaimer: Slim Fast is a registered trademark of someone somewhere. Like I care._

_This chapter contains Dumbledore-torture. Shield your eyes._

**Chapter 6: Bozos, Blunders and Baxi Boilers **

_Back at the Hogwarts kitchen…_

"Now Dobby, put down the knife and step out of the boiler cupboard," Dumbledore said calmly. All the house-elves had gathered round.

"Dobby is upset, sir, because Winky doesn't love Dobby. But what house-elf would blame Winky? Winky is not going to get together with a self-harmer like Dobby, sir," Winky explained.

"But Winky is an alcoholic but Dobby has no problem!" Dobby said from inside the boiler.

_Meanwhile….._

"…..and if there ever was one thing I wanted in my life it was Mione, she's like the answer to the test not to mention she looks good…..but no, I get stuck with a second hand broom while my best "friend" gets the girl, the fame, the broom and the last cheese puff! Nightmare!" Ron mumbled all the way back to the Forbidden Forest.

Harry's POV

(Lying flat on broom, five inches off the ground, going back along the corridor.) Embarrassment….. Hmmm, then again, she has said many things about me such as I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, and, oh yeah, I'm gonna die! Hey, that could be embarrassing. Oh no! I'M GOING TO DIE IN AN EMBARRASSING MANNER! That's possibly worse than just dying! I'm Harry Potter! I can't die an embarrassing death! It'll be all over the papers! (falls off broom in shock) (E/N Aisha's poor attempt at satire has been removed due to insensitivity.) After I die Ron will publish my diary, oh no! My life is over! Literally! Oh, wait…..I don't have a diary. Oh well.

Trelawney POV

Draco, ooh, Dracky Draco. Hehehe. (rubs hands together evilly)

Ron's POV

"…..and everyone says all is fair in love and war, but it's not! Nothing's fair so if they're unfair then I can be unfair. So what shall I do unfair first? Got it…..

Harry's POV

That's it. I have made my decision. (runs out gate waving hands around in an insane weirdo lost head sort of way).

_2 hours later…..._

(Standing at edge of cliff) I have had my time. Now I shall return to where I belong. To my mother and father. Now Voldemort can get on with his life. Ron can have Hermione. Hermione will have to live with it. Dumbledore can dance the funky chicken without me walking in on him…..erm, Uncle Vernon, yeah, he can set Marge's dogs on Dudley and…..um, Aunt Petunia can be open about her squibness. I AM READY! (Steps off cliff)

No-one's POV

An ant who had just witnessed Harry Potter committing suicide was about to go far. He walked up to a spider. "Did you hear, Harry Potter just committed suicide to benefit the world! How noble!" the ant squeaked to the spider. The spider went to his web and told his wife. And so, without realising, they started the world's biggest game of Chinese Whispers. The spider's wife told a horse. The horse told the mouse, the mouse told the cat, who told his relative the fox (E/N ? Foxes are DOGS Aisha, not cats.). The fox told the lion who told the cheetah who told the hyenas (who laughed) who told the armadillo (gasps for breath) who told Pongo who told his wife who told Cruella DeVil (E/N I have to tell you that in the original draft Aisha wrote Crewe Ladivel) who told her half sister's cousin's aunt's nephew (twice removed) who told Neville Longbottom's gran who told Neville who told HERMIONE! And so ended the worlds biggest game of Chinese Whispers (except no-one checked with the ant to see if the story was the same at the end…..) (E/N: The plot thickens, eh?)

Hermione's POV

(Sitting in corner of dorm) Why? Why? Why would Harry kill himself so that Father Christmas could lose weight? Maybe Slim Fast kidnapped him and told him to commit suicide in the name of Slim Fast (smart move, it seems to be more effective than advertising on ITV anyway.) WHY MY HARRY? People just wanted him for his fame! I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU HARRY! I LOVE YOU!

Ron's POV

(Sitting on a log in the forbidden forest) Now the bloody bastard E/N Now I see it Aisha….. it didn't say blood beast….. has gone and committed suicide! Attention seeker. Next thing you know Winky will be drinking herself dead.

Dobby's POV

(Standing in the middle of kitchen with the house-elves gathered round) Harry Potter sir was a great leader. A GREAT LEADER. Harry Potter sir will be remembered for all his good deeds. He fought until the end. Died for Father Christmas. In commemoration of Harry Potter sir, Dobby will install an new Baxi Combi Boiler. Hands on hearts house-elves. (Sings)

Oooh Harry can you see

How the house-elves love thee?

Baxi Boiler behold

In commemoration of the old….. (stops singing)

A minute silence for Harry Potter sir please (silence). Ok, back to work.

A/N: Please, in future, commemorate this sad day with a minute's silence (that's the 12th of November)

_Elsewhere….. _

Trelawney's POV

HE DIED! HE DIED! HE DIED! HE DIED! HE DIED! We did it, we did it, we did it…..hang on. ONE OF MY PREDICTIONS CAME TRUE! Ok, so it was a stab in the dark but hey! Still counts, eh? Trelawney, erm…..three, whoever else bothers to count, nil! (Does victory dance) Why the long face, Draco?

Draco's POV

(Comes out of reverie) Oh, erm…..it's just, now I don't have anyone to torture! My double life as an evil person has ended!

Trelawney's POV

Double? We thought you were all bad! Wait a minute….. this means I have no one to predict the death of! Nooooo! (Runs over to Draco and hugs him, then bursts into tears. Draco just sits and looks sad.)

_Meanwhile….. _

Hermione's POV

(Sitting on bed surrounded by wall of tissue boxes. Blows nose noisily.) Hi Video Diary. I'll just go straight to the point. Harry. Is. Dead (sob). He killed himself…..so that…..Father Christmas could lose weight. He was so selfless, my Harry. And I never got the chance to tell him how I felt! Oh, wait, maybe I did. (Turns off camera, accidentally hitting a tissue box and causing a small avalanche). Sigh.

_Later….._

_Hermione's POV_

(sobbing in dorm) Me and my love will never meet again! Not even on the bonny bonny banks of Loch Lomond! (Starts to get into the song and begins to sing with so much feeling (and the window is open)) OOOOOH he took the high road and I took the low road and he got to heaven befooooooooore me (spot light comes on Hermione holding her heart) But me and me true love will NEVER MEET AGAIN because he's dead and IIIIIII'm not! (screaming and clapping, and Hermione runs over to window to see a crowd of people crying because they are so touched).

Draco's POV

Potter's really dead. Truly, madly and deeply. (Trelawney raises an eyebrow and says "Yeeees." The introduction of Truly, Madly, Deeply comes on. Draco starts clicking to the beat and swaying from side to side.). (Sings) Potter has fin'ly kicked the bucket and died, Now I am free and no one will nick the limelight off me….

Trelawney's POV

(joins in) The tears of joy that I have finally predicted the truth, Or made it happen whatever why are we singing this spoof?

_Meanwhile, word has got to the press….. _

Rita Skeeter's POV

(Once Rita's Quick Quotes Quill got burnt in a "tragic" accident, turns out reporting was on her doorstep for her smile ting (E/N I don't get it either…) )

(Standing outside Hogwarts with camera crew and microphone) We are about to get a glimpse of Harry's life before he died. Yes! I repeat, HARRY POTTER HAS DIED. Word is that he died for the world and committed suicide. There was an eyewitness at the time that we are still trying to contact. This is Rita Skeeter reporting for Wizarding World JKR at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

_Meanwhile over in the Muggle world….. _

Trevor McDonald's POV

(E/N – What the hell is he doing here?) Oh my god! Harry Potter is dead! I feel too strongly about this. After all I am a wizard.

_2 days later..…_

Tonight on Panorama, I confess who I really am. A WIZARD. And I ask, "How did Harry Potter die?" For the wizarding world or another publicity stunt? (Panorama theme tune comes on) Tonight, Albus Dumbledore, Head of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and all time great and the only one that You-Know-Who is scared of, joins us in the studio. Dumbledore, tell us, do you know who did this? (Dumbledore says "No.") Oh. Ok. Moving on….. Do you think that Harry died for "us" or for his fame? (Dumbledore looks blankly at him. He says, "I do not think I am at liberty to discuss this.") Oh. So you do know? Tell us, then. (The camera does a close up of Trevor's face, and there is a small buzzing noise in the background.) Tell us. Now.

Dumbledore's POV

(The camera pans out and we see Dumbledore tied to a chair, with his hair and beard standing on end, and a few wisps of smoke rising.) I will not be tortured for your ratings, Trevor. I think I made it perfectly clear that I (Buzzing noise comes back) That I would…..buzz NOT tell you buzz that Harry Potter died the audience gasps FOR FATHER CHRISTMAS. That was what the idiot Longbottom told me, anyway.

Trevor McDonald's POV

Father Christmas. Iiiiinteresting. (He unties Dumbledore with his wand) Do you know why he would - ACK! (Falls backwards over chair, gets up immediately and starts dancing around, the camera pans out to show Dumbledore standing up with his wand pointing at Trevor.) A Tarantallegra jinx. How very amusing. _Impedi….._YAAAAAHAHAHA OOOOOWCH! (Dumbledore hits him with another jinx - some of the audience boo, others cheer and some run for the exit. Dumbledore looks Trevor in the eye and says, "I always knew there was something….odd about you, Trevor." There is a big flash of light and Trevor is suspended in mid-air, then there is a loud _crack_ and he disappears. The audience gasps.) Ribbet. (Hops around a bit) Ribbet ribbet.

Dumbledore's POV

Yes indeed, Trevor. Now let's be getting you back to Hogwarts and to Mr Longbottom where you belong. (He turns to the audience) Thank you. I have nothing more to say, other than: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! OBLIVIATE! (He disapparates with Trevor McDonald the toad)

_Meanwhile….._

Father Christmas's POV

(Talking to elf) What? Harry Potter is DEAD? He died for ME? Why would he die for me? He wasn't even a believer! (Elf gabbles some more) He died to help me lose weight? What the hell? Can't he see my weight problem is part of who I am? That I wouldn't be Father Christmas if I couldn't pat my ample stomach and say Ho Ho Ho! in a fatherly yet intimidating way? IDIOT BOY! Let's go and find him, Rudolph!

_Ooooooh! How can Santa find someone who is dead? Will he find someone who is dead? Are we evil enough to let Harry die? Find out next time (if Aisha gets the story)_

_Suicide is a serious matter. Talk to someone. Preferably not us._


	7. Halfwits, Heaven and Heartache

_Oooh kept you hanging there didn't we. See Aisha has moved schools so the story is progressing by mail but I have better ahem more productive things to do with my time so I keep forgetting to write/send/read the story, and nobody's heard ANYTHING from Aisha in at least 6 months. We're scared._

_Disclaimer: Santa exists. We cannot be held responsible for sudden changes in the seasonal beliefs of small children. All characters in this story are fictional. Any resemblance to any creature living, dead, corporeal or existing by belief (e.g. Jesus) is completely coincidental._

**Chapter 7: Halfwits, Heaven and Heartache**

Rudolph's POV

(Sings) Dashing through the sky, on a one reindeer open sleigh, over clouds we go, laughing…..

Santa's POV

Am I lauging, Rudolph? Do I look like I'm laughing? No. STOP! There's the cliff! DOWN, Rudolph!

Harry's POV

(Lying on beach at bottom of cliff) Oooh! A red light…..can't reach…..can't move arms…..is getting closer…..is Rudolph? SANTA? What the hell. (Sleigh skids to a halt next to Harry) Uh….have I been here that long? Is it Christmas already? Is it always Christmas in heaven?

Santa's POV

No no no, it's not Christmas, it's a publicity disaster! What were you thinking, trying to kill yourself for me? Can't you see my weight problem is a part of me? (He starts a loooong lecture about body image)

_Ten minutes later….._

Harry's POV

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz……………

Santa's POV

Good, he's asleep. Let's put him on the sleigh, Rudolph, and get him to hospital.

_Meanwhile…..._

Dumbledore's POV

Here we are, Trevor. (Performs spell to prevent him from transforming back to human form and places the toad inside the Gryffindor Common Room) Now on to more pressing matters… (he opens the door to his office) Hmm. Draughty in here, isn't it Fawkes? (He looks to the window to see it smashed, and amongst the broken glass lies a can of SlimFast.) No! Wait! HARRY! (runs out of office and straight into Malfoy and Trelawney).

Malfoy's POV

Odd. Maybe the incense from your room is making me hallucinate, Prof T.

Trelawney's POV

Yeah. It can do that. It's how most of the predictions happen…. (They watch Dumbledore run out of the castle)

Dumbledore's POV

(Appears outside St Mungo's) Yes! He's here! (Runs inside and to Harry's ward) Harry! You've had us all so worried! We thought you were…

Harry's POV

Dead, yes. That was the point. But what's this jerk doing here? (Motions towards Santa, who looks offended and so produces a small, red wooden spinning top and hands it to Harry, who throws it out the window.)

Dumbledore's POV

Huh? Oh. Didn't you er… jump off the cliff… so that… Father Christmas here could lose weight? I found a can of SlimFast on my desk. And I had heard from the students that you had died… to advertise SlimFast… in a way.

Harry's POV

(looks confused) I died because… I didn't want to die an embarrassing death. But I guess this whole resurrection thing is just a tad more embarrassing. I'm going to the bathroom.

_Five minutes later…_

(Returns to the ward to see Dumbledore attacking Father Christmas, and copious amounts of white beard littering the floor) Uh… guys… they said I can go home… whatever (leaves hospital).

_Back to Hogwarts… _

Hermione's POV

How can I go on? Harry is still dead! I can't live without him! I know, I will commit suicide as well! I will jump in the lake, for my Romeo is dead, and we shall be joined forever in the afterlife.

_A few hours later, after dark…_

(creeps out of the castle to see Draco doing sound and light checks on a big stage on the Quidditch pitch.) Romeo, Romeo, forever gone art thou Romeo!

Harry's POV

(Runs past Draco's stage) What the hell? (Keeps running) (A light from the stage shines straight out on the grounds, casting an eerie glow around Hermione, and a heavenly "aaaaaaaaa" sounds from the stage A/N-Think cheesy movie peeps) HERMIONE! WAIT!

Hermione's POV

Harry? Harry? HARRY! (She runs towards him in slow motion, and Draco starts rehearsing a song with a soppy violin intro) Romeo! Thou hast come back for me! (Hugs Harry) YOU'RE ALIVE! (Draco hears this and stops dead, swearing into the microphone)

Harry's POV

(Runs straight into Hermione and knocks her over) Yeah, yeah, I'm alive, so what. (Helps Hermione up) So what did I miss while I was dead?

Hermione's POV

(They start walking back to the castle) Uh… the house-elves put in a new boiler for you… Ron's gone crazy, won't stop muttering, Draco and Trelawney are up to something… Nothing much, really (Draco starts singing "How Can I Live Without You")

Harry's POV

Freak. Why does he think he can sing anyway? (Someone carrying a huge box runs into Harry, and the box breaks in a flash of…) Atchoo! Talcum powder? (The person apologises and walks on. Ron comes round out of the castle).

Hermione's POV

Hey, Ron, what's up? You look like you've seen a…

Ron's POV

GHOST! HARRY'S A GHOST! AAAAAAARRRHHH!

Hermione's POV

No… Ron… wait! It's not a ghost! It's… come back! (He runs back inside.) Dammit.

Ron's POV

(Bursts in through castle doors) G-G-G-GHOST! (He drops to the floor, curls up, and rolls from side to side, trying to look disturbed, then realises that all the teachers are watching him. He stops rolling and lies curled up in the middle of the floor, twitching).

McGonagall's POV

Mr Weasley! What on earth are you on about? (Harry and Hermione burst in) Miss Granger! Mr… Mr… P-Potter? Wha… why… aren't you dead?

Dumbledore's POV

(Comes bursting into castle, trying to arrange his beard so the bald patches don't show) I can explain everything! (Everyone turns and stares) Ah, Mr Potter. I thought I'd find you here. Yes, he is alive, and contrary to popular belief, did not kill himself for Father Christmas. He killed himself so that he would die an embarrassing death. Ironic, isn't it, Mr Potter? Anyway, there are things I must attend to – Harry, there is a toad in your dormitory that may want an interview. Goodnight all! (Walks away. Everyone watches him until he is out of sight.)

McGonagall's POV

Well….that's, uh…cleared that up a bit…Welcome back to the world of the living, Harry. There is some transfiguration homework for you on my desk. Goodnight! (Walks off in an oddly similar direction to Dumbledore…)

_Eeeeeew! Will someone catch our loved-up professors "at it", or was it all just some over-excited imaginations? And what happened to our dear friend Ron? Will someone make Hermione stop speaking in Shakespeare? And what will the FTSE do tomorrow?_

_Tune in next time….It's the one where Aisha comes back!_


	8. Suits, Stocks and Sandwiches

So reading over this upcoming chapter, I realised that it has very very little substance at all…but it gets good at the end….stick with us.

Neither myself or Aisha know anything about stocks, shares, buying things or anything to do with money, other than we don't have any. We don't own Marks and Spencers. It's not like we'd be richif we did.

**Chapter 8: Suits, Stocks and Sandwiches**

Harry's POV (thinking)

(In his dorm, sitting on bed) Ah well, just another one of those days at Hogwarts, I guess. Ron's gone missing, 'Mione's still talking like Shakespeare, Dobby and the house-elves installed a nice new boiler in my memory and it seems to be working well… I actually had a shower with WARM water!

Toad's POV (all _you_ can hear is croaks)

Harry Potter! Such a pleasure to…. Is that a fly? Oh now…no please, I think I'm just about to do something very yuck…like eat a fly….eeeew….(crunching noises)

_The next day…_

Dumbledore's POV

(In his office talking to Fawkes E/N-or Fwakes if you're Aisha) Ahhh, once again things are back in order at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Mr Potter gave me quite a heart attack with him gone so would the placing request if he did E/N-huuuuuh?. Oh , by the way, Fawkes, could you please deliver this letter to the Weasley's telling them that the school cannot take any responsibility for Mr Ronald Weasley's…mental condition? Though rumour has it that Ms Granger… I…I mean…would you take this Fawkes?

Dobby's POV

(In the kitchen E/N–No, really?) No no not Marks and Spencers for Dobby knows it is going down the chamber pots as well. Yes he does. OH MY GOD! What is this that Dobby sees? Finally it is Dobby who has clumsily tripped over a major plot point! Dobby must make a dramatic entrance into Dumbledore's office! But what will he say? Winky!

_Five minutes later…_

One more time, Winky, please – you Dumbledore, Me Dobby (storms out of boiler cupboard into kitchen) Dumbledore sir! Dobby must tell you something that will give you a heart attack! (Winky says with no expression "Whatever is the matter, Dobby.") Dumbledore sir, terrible things are to happen at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!

Dumbledore's POV

(Just walked into kitchen (for some cocoa) and overhears Dobby) Dobby, you said that in second year also, well yeah, you were right. (begins to make some cocoa) But this time you must give us more information, since the whole "Let's keep it a mystery so Mr Potter can fix it" thing is really not working for us anymore. It just keeps getting Mr Potter nearly killed as well as other people and I am sure that that has a part in Mr Weasley's mental health problem….

Dobby's POV

(thinking) If fat Dumbledore sir would just shut up…oh BAD DOBBY (runs into wall) (says) Dumbledore sir! Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is in great danger! For it is on the STOCK EXCHANGE!

Dumbledore's POV

My GOD Dobby say it ain't so! (pauses) Why are you so interested in the stock exchange though?

Dobby's POV

Dobby was doing nothing but getting himself some shares. Dobby has a little money now after working in Dominoes as a summer job E/N-Meet Dobby the Dominoes pizza elf in our other story, "What a Day"! But Dumbledore sir, a little wise word, Marks and Spencers is going down the chamber pots!

Dumbledore's POV

OH MY GOD….my school…STOCK EXCHANGE….(faints)

Dobby's POV

Well…Dumbledore took that like a girly girl…

The next day… Hermione's POV

(sitting in common room with a huge Financial Times newspaper) Hmm…I see Harrods is making a million less than last quarter…ohmygod! HOGWARTS! HOGWARTS! ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE! (Runs round room waving paper above head madly. Nobody cares.) Well that went down like a Marks and Spencers' share…(Runs down to Dumbledore's office, still waving paper)

Harry's POV

(looks confused) What the hell was that all about?

Dumbledore's POV

(sitting at desk, elbows on desk, head in hands) Oh my poor dear school! Whatever shall I- (Hermione bursts in) Miss Granger? Ah. Yes. Hogwarts is indeed on the stock exchange. (Hermione says "And making a loss of £25,000,000?") It seems so. Take heart…that's only 14124294 galleons and 2 sickles (A/N – don't quote me on that) (Bursts into tears) We'll (sniff) have to be (sob) BOUGHT OVER!

_Meanwhile..._

Ron (wild man of the woods)'s POV

(In forest, he went back after his brief appearance last chapter. Yes, we know you all love him.) (sings) "Whistle while you work (whistles)…" (searches around for another pine-cone) "Doo doo doo doo doo…" (aims wand at pine-cone, there is a flash of yellow light) (Whistles) (scene fades out) (A/N – and what a scene it is….)

_Meanwhile…_

Malfoy's POV

Ooh! This owl from Father is most interesting! He says Hogwarts has been put on the stock exchange, and it's being bought over! I wonder who will buy it…maybe Father will put in a bid, and turn it into a dark school. Or maybe dear, sweet Hermione will buy it and educate the fluffy creatures of the forest! YES! YES! THAT'S IT! But I don't get enough pocket money….

_Several days later, at the London Stock Exchange…_

Malfoy's POV

Bring it on! (Looking very dapper in a suit)

Dumbledore's POV

Bring me a sick bag…

Ron (wild man of the stock exhange)'s POV

Let's get funkeeeeeeeeee! (A/N – Anyone watch Green wing? Anyone?)

Dobby's POV

(Wets self with excitement) Wheeee!

Stock Exchangy Person's POV

Ladies, gentlemen…aliens (Dobby says "Dobby is a house-elf!) Ok…ladies, gentlemen and "house-elves", we are bidding today for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Let's start the bidding at £100,000…(Malfoy raises hand) Ok, we have 100,000 from the weirdo in the suit…any advance? £500,000? (Ron nods) Thank you, red haired man in the corner! (Malfoy yells "Where'd'ya get the money, Weasel? Sold Hagrid to a freak show?") (Dumbledore discreetly hexes Malfoy under the chairs) So, an advance on 500…anyone - yes, blond sir, £750,000! Any more? Going…going…(Ron yells "TWO MILLION!") (Malfoy faints) GONE! To the red haired man! Thank you, ladies, gentlemen and house-elves (turns away, says quietly:) Join us next time on Bargain Hunt…

Ron's POV

(Does victory dance) Ahem. (Leaves with Dumbledore and Malfoy)

Dobby's POV

Ooh ooh Dobby is next, Dobby is next!

Stock Exchangy Person's POV

So, next up is Marks and Spencer's. Let's open the bidding at £200,000….(Dobby raises hand) The bidding is opened by the house-elf at £200,000! Any advances? No? My god, SOLD to the house-elf! (Faints)

_Later, back at Hogwarts…_

Dumbledore's POV

So, Mr Weasley, you now own my school. What made you buy it? (Ron says "I'm going to give it to Hermione for her birthday.") YOU WHAT! And what exactly is she going to do with it? (Ron says "uh…") (Dumbledore laughs sadly) And how are you going to wrap it… (gazes into fireplace)

Dobby's POV

(Bursts into room) Dumbledore, sir! Dobby has just come to say that the kitchens are under new management! Marks and Spencers are now working with us, Dumbledore sir! It is fantastic!

_The bell for dinner sounds…_

Hermione's POV

(To Harry) Hope it's something good, I'm famished…

Harry's POV

Yeah, I have a real craving for Yorkshire puddings….(They sit down)

_The golden platters fill with…_

Hermione's POV

Ready made sandwiches? (Picks one up) In plastic boxes? From Marks and Spencers? (Harry says "Where!")

Dumbledore's POV

(Stands up and taps a glass for attention) Well, I'm sure you've all noticed the change in our foodstuffs…I hope you'll agree it's for the better… (Everyone goes, "Uh…no!") (Sighs) God! Just be thankful it wasn't sodding McDonalds! (Storms out)

_Total silence in the hall, after Dumbledore's outburst…_

Ron's POV

(Sitting at the Gryffindor table, silently gets up and wanders to the teacher's table and stands where Dumbledore usually does.) Well I think now is a good time to tell you all. I am the new headmaster of Hogwarts. You don't like it then TOO BAD. What are you all looking at? EAT! (Plonks himself down in Dumbledore's seat and starts scoffing the sandwiches.)

Harry's POV

(Stands up from Griffindor table) Huh! Ron…you bought Hogwarts and you never told me? No fair! I'm your best friend!

Ron's POV

(Stands up, face stuffed, yet outraged) Shut up, HAPPY! Do you know the years I have spent as your little sidekick, well NO MORE! Now the time has finally come for you to be forgotten HAPPY…. I… eh mean HARRY! I will FINISH YOU! People will say, "Harry? Harry who?" AAAAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Harry's POV

Gees, Ron, you never told me that you felt that way. And don't you mean that people won't forget me?

Ron's POV

No! I mean yes! They will say, "HARRY? HARRY WHO!"

Harry's POV

Well then they won't forget me 'cause they will have to know I was around to say, "Harry who?"

Ron's POV

No, no, no, I meant I will say "Remember Harry?" and they will say "Harry who?"

Harry's POV

Well then not everyone will have forgotten me 'cause you'll remember me. Plus they will all be really sad that I'm gone 'cause they will be saying "Harry? BOO HOO!"

Ron's POV

Not BOO HOO as in sad crying boo hoo, I mean as in Harry WHO, WHAT DO YOU MEAN HARRY, I DON'T KNOW ANY HARRY. Even Hermione will say "Harry who?"

Harry's POV

You sure she won't be saying "boo hoo"?

Ron's POV

Sure!

Harry's POV

Are you very sure that….

Ron's POV

YES! Now I am going to expel you for trying to be smart!

Hermione's POV

(Stands up) Ron! You can't expel Harry! You'll run us down the chamber pots! You need to run this school in…….plus, I would say "boo hoo"….

Ron's POV

(Dreamy voice) Oooooookaaaaay, Hermione…..

_Well…that last bit was some wasted time on your part. Is anyone still here? ANYONE? (Listens to echo..)_

_The next one is better, we promise…(Jane isn't so sure but Aisha looks convincing)_


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